Melancholy

My mother is 78 years old and has alzheimer's. She is living in an assisted living facility near where I grew up. I am told that this is the best place for her, that she is happy there. But I have a hard time accepting that.
I know dementia's effects well enough to know that you cannot gauge the victim's "happiness." I don't really think happy is a word you can even use with it. Generally, even if they are pleasantly confused, they are still confused, and still don't know what is going on around them, and are distressed by it.
My mother, who was always somewhat moody and judgmental, is now even moreso. But I can't help but think that we have done her a terrible disservice, by placing her. She spent her entire adult life raising children. When the children were grown, she still saw at least one of them on a daily basis. She has been surrounded by family all of her life. And now, for one year, she has been seen only occasionally by them. I think it is sad. And I am ashamed that this is the way we are treating her disease.
I firmly believe that, no matter where she is, she will be agitated, and unhappy, even bitchy.
I just feel so....lame.....knowing she is in a facility.

I have no control over it, so that is a bit of a consolation, but not much, really.

Expectations

Expectations are so dangerous. Usually, they come from somewhere within, with a questionable motive. Generally, the higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment.

Tonight I am feeling disappointment, and I can't quite put my finger on what is driving it.

Is it because my expectations were too high, or is it because my friends let me down?

I guess a little of both.

It feels really yucky inside.

But I am home now, in front of my tree, the kids are in the living room (watching tv,ugh), my house is warm, the snow and the candles outside are beautiful, and tomorrow will bring another snow storm...a day to be at home, snuggle in and be with family.

Sometimes, I need to remind myself that these are the things that matter.

Ting Ting Ting

Wednesday, as I was digging around in my cabinet, I came across a plastic baggie of Swedish Candle Chimes. I had thrown these in one of the several boxes of things I packed up at my mother's house when I was down there this summer.

I picked up the baggie, went into the kitchen, opened it, and spilled it's contents out onto the counter. With that simple gesture, memories of Christmases past came flooding over me.

You see, when I was younger, we always had these angel chimes. Usually 2 (there were 2 sets in the bag, but one of them was incomplete). Every night we would light them at dinner time, and listen to the ting ting ting sound they made, until someone couldn't stand it anymore and we blew the candles out.

Once my father moved out, and my mother remarried, and most of the kids moved on, the angel chimes were put in this baggie and forgotten about. They still have the same blackened bells, the same drips of wax. Angels, ponies and clowns.

I put together the little brass carousel: first the tray with the candle holders, then the metal stick with the appendages meant to hold the bells. Next, trying to figure out just how the angels attached, but we did it. 3 angels with trumpets, hanging from the 3 armed metal plate, and, finally, the top of the carousel (we are missing the part that holds the angel on top). I dug out the red candles, made in Sweden. I lit the candles with my youngest son and he was mesmerized. We listened to their gentle ringing throughout dinner.

Last night, he begged to light the candles for me. So I let him. Nostalgia washed over me. We cleaned off the kitchen table, took a picture, and I sent the picture out to all of my siblings, with the subject line "christmas."

I have gotten 2 responses so far. The first, my sister wrote "ting, ting ting." The second, another sister wrote "ting, ting, ting"!!! That same sister then sent another email, telling me that she was crying looking at that picture, remembering those days, and wondering if anyone else in the family had that same reaction.

Well, of course, I said. That's why I sent the picture.

Ting, Ting, Ting.

I made it through the week, intact, but barely. Saturday's cantata went very well, the audience seemed to enjoy it, the choir sounded pretty good, and I think they were happy with it as well. Sunday's band concert went....okay. The first half was pretty good. The second half started off badly, and seemed to be wrought with mistakes throughout. It was very frustrating to hear the same mistakes we have been working on for 4 weeks now. This is what happens in an amateur, volunteer group, but I have to remind myself of that so I don't get too discouraged.

This week:
Need to do some Christmas shopping
Get the tree up
Finish the basement...it may end my marriage, but it's got to be done!

Bullets - random thoughts

• Since Saturday, I have had: 7 rehearsals, 2 performances, and will have 3 more rehearsals and 3 more performances by Sunday night. The idea of this makes me stressed, but actually playing/conducting/performing that much makes me well
  
• Cantata practice yesterday went very well. Good practice = bad performance. Fortunately, we have another practice on Saturday to screw up before Saturday night's performance!
• Band practice on Wednesday night went pretty well. Not great. So, that means that Sunday's concert will be good!
• I am sick of picking up after people and tired of teenagers not obeying my rules
• I just got my unexpected Christmas bonus. I am thinking of splurging on a Mac Book (it won't pay for the whole thing, but a good part of it!)
• My meds are clearly not working. Appointment today to address it (see bullet #4)
• I've also put in 29 hours at one job and 8 hours at the other this week
  
• Maybe there is a god, because we were supposed to have sleet all day yesterday, which would have meant cancelling rehearsal last night, but it didn't start until late
  
• I wish my husband would spend less time on facebook and more time putting our basement back in order
• I worked things out with my friend
• I am having a dear friend over tonight with her young kids to decorate gingerbread houses. That is something to get me through today!

Gig tonight

Am looking forward to our last gig of the year tonight, big crowd is promised. It is always a blast. After, we all come back to my house for breakfast, to decompress and rehash the gig. I have found such a great group of people in this band. It's like a bunch of extra brothers.
After tonight, life will spiral out of control for a week. 5 rehearsals, 4 performances (not with the band that is playing tonight). I can't wait until it is over. How bad is that? Instead of savoring every minute, I am looking forward to the end.

That was easy

Back to work after a great weekend. Saturday, dinner with friends. Sunday, the boys went boarding with same friends, I went to work at church, then shopping with my oldest (which I usually HATE but it wasn't so bad yesterday), then I got to cancel rehearsal last evening because of black ice on the roads. It was a nice bonus...sewed together the shoulder seams, set in the sleeves and sewed up one side of a sweater I have been working on (I really don't enjoy sewing up...).

All in all, a great holiday.

I read so many blogs in which people hate this holiday. I have to say, it is my favorite. We get together with people we love, purely for the reason of being together and sharing a meal, our lives. There is no other agenda. I am so lucky.