Yikes, it has been a long time.

So many times I have wanted to sit down and write, but timing, topic, energy all got the best of me.

I am doing okay. When I forget my meds 2 days in a row, it is bad. So I try not to forget. But I do. One day is okay. 2 is definitely not.

There are things I want to write about but I don't know if I should.

Someone surprised me and let me down in such a big way. They actually didn't let me down, they judged someone I love. But it has affected the way I feel about this person, and makes me not want to engage with this person. Is that right?

I see my 20's as a time of getting the kinks out. Having the babies, being absorbed in my school, my husband, my life.

My 30's, pretty good. Aside from some scary moments, and lots of deaths of loved ones, I see it as a time spent figuring out what matters to me, who matters to me.

My 40's, well. I would never presume to have it all figured out, but I really feel that I know who I am, what I stand for. In that same vein, I am putting relationships in categories. Those I want to invest in, those that I have to maintain because of familial ties, or other obligations, and those that I could happily say bye-bye to. Why do I want to waste time on a relationship that is not energizing, or positive? That is not to say that I only want to be in a relationship that "works" for me. Its not about getting. Its about feeling good being in that relationship, whether I am giving or receiving, whether things are in neutral or if they are speeding right along.

Yet, yet. There are some relationships that you have to maintain. So, what amount do you invest? What do you give of yourself? Why waste your time????

This isn't to say this has saddened me. Actually, it is quite interesting to think about, and sort out. It used to be stressful. This time, it is just...interesting. I am learning to enjoy the journey. Take in the views along the way. Learn something from the landscape. And take part of it with me for the future.

Things have been better lately, but the past week hasn't been so good.
I have been taking my medication very regularly, for 2 weeks, and that seemed to help, but not enough. Yesterday I missed my dose entirely and last night I was extremely irritable. Can that be? Does it have such a short half life that it could have that effect with just one missed dose? I know with SSRIs that is not the case, but perhaps with this it is.
I am irritable. Moody. Impatient. Disheartened. Overwhelmed. Not hopeless. But definitely not upbeat.
I am really enjoying NOT working evenings, but working 5 days straight in an office is kicking my ass. Maybe its just that I am tired from an additionally busy week with sub-ing for my sister. But today I am wiped out.

A Real Post

Now that I am a full month into my taking leave of the church job, I am realizing how consuming that job really was. Yesterday, I started a project of cleaning an area of the house that has desperately needed to be organized for about a year, maybe longer. I knew it was going to be a big project, so couldn't ever really start it, because I am always running out of time.
So I started this project around 2:30, took a break to go ice skating, then came back and finished it up. It looks amazing. And it is free of clutter, most importantly.

These things seem so small, but, really, it was something I just couldn't tackle before. The only day I could ever think about doing something like this was Saturdays, which meant I would be giving up my one day of no work. To have that freedom, to not have to rush out in the evening, to have 2 days off together on the weekends....it just feels so normal, so freeing. I don't think I will ever go back to a church job again.

Rest of last night was good. Was very productive during the day, took Theo ice skating, cleaned command central, a project that needed doing for about a year. Didn't get around to making dinner til about 7:30, but it was good. The boys were behaving, Seb helped me with dinner. Asparagus and cream sauce over fettucini.
This morning another burst of rage over nothing...
Now I am a bit better after going to the local cafe and treating myself to a scone and tea.
Irritated that I am not getting to the gym, and neither is anna.

last night very irritable. had a good afternoon with theo but when i got home was on edge. I just couldn't deal with the mess, the activity, the bickering of the kids. Took a bath then felt sick to my stomach so went to bed. Up with theo around 2:15, he had an upset stomach, I dealt with that okay.
I feel like I really should go back on the med. I didn't think it was working, but I think it helped somewhat.
I also think I should stop drinking each day. It seems that after I have some wine my tolerance is much less.

Yesterday, less agitated. got myself to yoga but was not able to relax, mind kept racing. Unmotivated at home, did make up some dinner. Kids were all gone so house was quiet, when they got home i just stayed on the couch. Not knitting. Drank some wine, talked to a few friends.

Today very irritable when coming to work due to heater not working in car. Settled down once at work.

tracking moods for a couple of weeks:

Stopped Welbutrin 4 days ago (forgot it for 2 days, so decided to just stop it because I felt it wasn't helping anyway)

Yesterday: pretty short fuse, ill tempered with kids, impatient. Also worried because of issue with right breast

Today: apathetic. Eating constantly. Irritable first thing this morning with kids, husband, way clothes fit. Feeling a bit hopeless. Worried still about breast, no md office open to have it checked. Though less worried about the breast than I am about my mental state

What was that I was just saying?

Today I am feeling an almost overwhelming sense of anxiety. I am not sure where it is coming from, nor do I know why it seems so acute right now. Things are going fine, mostly. But damn there is this nagging, pit in my stomach, heart racing feeling that just won't go away.
Some things that are spinning in my head:

Unresolved discussion with my husband last week that definitely needs to continue but that I am certain he doesn't want to continue

My car...oh my car.

My feet are frozen from driving in my car this morning

My son's ride forgot him this morning, which meant I had to take him to school, which means I was an hour late for work

My family got me a nano for my birthday, which I love, but which I don't really need so I feel guilty about having it

My daughter is not a very attentive student and I don't know how to make her care more without upsetting her

I think my son really needs....something. Meds? therapy? new parents? to address his inability to focus

I have to return an email to someone that I really don't want to

Both bands are starting back up this week and I am having anticipatory anxiety, even though once I get there it is fun and I am fine.

Stupid stupid things.

Nothing is really WRONG.

So why the pounding heart?

A long while

So its been a while.
Lots has happened, and, at the same time, nothing has happened.
New years was uneventful, which is just fine for me. We went to the movies with our youngest and i think i was in my pjs by 9:00.

Since then, it has been work, work, work, which is fine with me, and a few non-exciting things.

My son almost caught on fire while sleeping when his comforter came into contact with a nightlight that should not have been there. The result, a huge black hole in the comforter, a stinky house, and me up for 3 hours thinking about what could have been.

My marriage reached a very scary low point and is now hopefully in the early stages of re-acquaintance, repair and rejuvenation.

My birthday is tomorrow. So is my daughter's. This is a great thing, to share my birthday with my most favorite female in the world. But my birthday always makes me think about my father, who would send cards signed with no more than a "love, dad", but who I really miss, 15 years out from his death; and my mother, who is alive and healthy and has no idea what day it is, never mind that it is my birthday. I really miss her, too.

I have gotten several cards from people from the church where I worked, which is very sweet. And a couple of emails from siblings.

Tomorrow will just be another day, but a Sunday that I don't have to work.

The snow is coming down slowly and steadily. My family is healthy, my daughter is making me stay out of the other room as she wraps my presents (thank goodness for her!). And I just spent a lovely evening with some of my favorite people.

Life is good.

42 isn't so bad.