The Thanksgiving feast, was, as always, fantastic. It actually isn't so much about the feast as it is about being with people who make me feel like I am H-O-M-E. Cousins played hide and seek in the huge house, dogs played wildly together, in between begging for scraps from the counter and tables, adults who have been celebrating this holiday on and off together for 25 years catching up...it was all just lovely, and relaxing, and, well, home.

Fast forward to today, when I arrived home with the kids (my husband was off buying a soapstone sink for our kitchen)...fighting, complaining, hitting, screaming. I know they are tired. I know that is what makes them behave this way. But I really can't stand it. They act like children I cannot stand. They act like spoiled, rotten, ungrateul brats. But they aren't. They are just tired. But, so am I. So the oldest and the youngest are spending the next 45 minutes in their respective rooms. It started out as a 1/2 hour, but they both screwed up, so it is now 45. My daugther things I am being ridiculous. And maybe I am. Fighting is normal amongst siblings. But I am in no mood to tolerate it today. I want to continue to be thankful for what I have, to carry with me the feeling of peace and loveliness I had all day yesterday, to not have that feeling disturbed by screaming and fighting and general ugliness.

I have a right to that, more of a right to that than my children have a right to fight. For today, at least. Maybe they will get the message and respect our right to live peacefully in this house...

Grateful

Lots of things have been going on, none of them particularly exciting (well, to anyone but me).
Saturday night the band I am in did a gig at a fundraiser for a 13 year old friend of my daughter, who has lymphoma. The party was great, the crowd loved our music and danced like crazy, and over $12,000 was raised for the family. Awesome.

Sunday I worked at church, it was my first time back since the issue with the former member of the handbell choir. It was awkward, tense, and logistically difficult, because we are now down 3 players. But the choir persevered, muddled through, and we are on for next week and Christmas Eve service.

This has made me realize how glad I am that I am almost finished with the job. I had felt ambivalent about leaving, but this last example, as well as a few other minor annoying things that have happened, just reinforces to me that I have made the right decision. These next 4 weeks will be hard, I am sure, but for different reasons than I had initially thought. I have so much to do with the job before I am finished, and my real desire is just to get the hell out of there. I have to be sure that no one senses that I am biding my time...which shouldn't be too hard, considering I have all of the Advent music to deal with, a Christmas Cantata on the 13th, plus the Christmas Eve service.

Today I pack up and head to my cousins house, about 1 1/2 hours away, where I will help prepare the Thanksgiving Feast. This is a tradition that started when my aunt died 10 years ago...i had a very special relationship with my uncle, and after auntie died I offered to come help him prepare the meal. He took me up on it, and I did that several times with him. it was incredibly meaningful and I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to do this with him. He died 4 years ago next week, and I have been helping his son's wife do the same (they have moved into the house). It is nice, I get a break from the kids (though my eldest is coming with me this year), we'll have an easy dinner tonight and then get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to get cooking.

Speaking of which, yesterday, after working 9 hours, I got home, made supper, went to a rehearsal for choir, went grocery shopping, came home and: 1) made potato leek soup to take today 2) made a blueberry pie for tomorrow 3) made borscht and 4) organized the winter share of vegetables I picked up on Monday (50 lbs!). I was in bed by 2 a.m. I felt like superwoman!

So I am off to work a bit more, then heading to the family homestead for a lovely few days. I have lots to write about, but have to organize my thoughts a bit more before hand...

Happy Thanksgiving!
P

And you call that christian?

I don't believe in god. I don't believe that Jesus Christ is the savior. I work for a church, for 5 more weeks, because I love music, and what I can do with the services with the music I bring to it. This has been pretty tough to reconcile in the 9 years I have worked there. And, I couldn't do it. So, for many reasons, but that one included, I am leaving.
Last night, I had just about the worst experience I have ever had during a rehearsal. A member of the Handbell choir got mad because there was a group (a jewish group, who rents from the church, and pays quite a bit of money in rent, and of whom I have been a strong supporter) in our rehearsal area who was not scheduled to be there. Because they were there, our rehearsal had to start late by about 5 minutes. This woman, who has a history of being difficult and spouting off, became angry, caused a scene, and stormed out of rehearsal. That left me having to play her bells, my bells, and conducting the rest of the group, which is already short handed. It was really a pain.

I decided to call her after rehearsal to let her know that her behavior was unacceptable, embarrassing, represented the church in a bad light, and leaving rehearsal let her fellow choir members down. Well, she lit into me, and needless to say, the conversation was ended abruptly by her hanging up on me when I told her the conversation was over.

Today, she sent an email out to the choir, outlining all of her reasons for her behavior last night, and then quitting. Everything in that email that she said was an attack on me. It was horrible. Nothing about it was productive, or useful, or even worth talking about. It was the most disrespectful, rude and insulting thing I have ever heard or read about me.

I wish I could ignore it, and chalk it up for what it is: ranting coming from an insecure, angry person, but the bottom line is, she has been getting away with this kind of behavior for 3 years in the church, and noone has bothered to stop it. Noone has told her she can't act like that. So, now, with 5 weeks to go, I am left with a choir that is void of critical numbers, I've been attacked, and I am angry that, because of the minister's and board's inactions in the past, I am now the subject of her vindictiveness. It really sucks.

6 more services to go....

9 year old funny

Last night at dinner, I outlawed the phrase "what the heck." The kids use that phrase in the context of criticizing each other. It always leads to fights.

My 9 year old started saying "what the hey." I told him that had to stop as well. He asked why. I told him it was because I was tired of the stupid speak in the family and I wanted us to start having intelligent conversations.

He stood up, put his hand on his chest, and said in a deep voice: "E equals M C squared."

We cracked up.

He is a pain, but he is a riot.

The Letter, it is written

I finally wrote my good-bye letter for the congregation. After about 4 drafts, I was able to write one that I am happy with. My writing, it isn't so creative, but I can say what I feel pretty well. I think I was able to convey what I wanted to. All that's left now is to prepare for the Cantata, Dec 13th, and to find a someone to play the recorder on Christmas Eve, and someone to sing O Holy Night at the same service. My last one.

I am starting to feel a tremendous sense of relief. It is taking over my feelings of resentment. That is a very good thing.

The amount of stress I am going to have once I leave that job will be diminished significantly. When doing this job, my mind was constantly going, constantly thinking of new and innovative things to do with the choir, with the handbells, with the kids. In September, I was planning for Christmas. In November, I was obsessing about Easter. In January, I was trying to figure out how to make the summer interesting. By the time May rolled around, I was thinking about Christmas. It was nuts. Right now, I would have been looking online for new music for Easter, collaborating with another music director for a special event in February, planning the kids Cantata for the spring. It feels SO GOOD to know that, right now, I don't have to plan for anything.

I do worry about getting "out of shape" with my playing and my directing, but I know that other opportunities will present themselves, and, if not, I have the Community Band that I run to keep me stimulated. And, I will have more time for that once I free up the time I was spending (in my head as well as physically) on the church job.

Life really is getting better and better.

I think my 40's are going to rock.

My other job

I love my job. I work for a guy who is a great boss. He is a lawyer. I am a nurse. It is a weird combination, but it works. The work I do has nothing to do with nursing; mostly, it is social work. But I love it. I can work whenever I want, how much I want, and, if I need to come home because a kid is sick, I can bring my laptop and some files with me and work from home. The pay is great, he really appreciates me, my other co-worker is one of my best friends, and I am really good at what I do.
I have waited 20 years for this.
I am so fortunate to have found it.
On top of it all, my connection with my boss came before my job...I am in his band. One evening, his social worker (my now friend) had an emergency and wasn't going to be able to work. So I told him (we were actually at a gig when we found out about the emergency) that I could help him out. I had quit my job a few months before, was working part-time for the first time in 18 years, and was about to launch my own Care Management business. He called me the following Monday, asked me to help him out, and I have been working for him ever since. The firm has gotten really busy since I started working for him, and so I have been able to bump up my hours to meet my financial needs. It is also the reason why I am finally able to quit the church job.
I am really lucky.

On Raising Teenagers

I remember thinking that trying to raise little kids was SO MUCH WORK.

Now, I look at my friend with 2 young ones, and all her frustrations, and I smile knowingly. I enjoy their defiance, laugh at their tantrums, and teach them all kinds of worldly things beyond their years. It's all relative.

My 2 oldest are a girl, 14 (15 in 2 months) and a boy, 13. They are lovely, sweet, kind kids. But we are in the throes of adolescence in our house, it is rubbing off on our 9 year old, and I feel like we are completely ganged up on.

Our kids don't have many things...no gameboys, or xboxes, or Wiis. We have a small house, the boys share a room, one tv, one family computer (though both my husband and i have laptops for work). I don't think they are spoiled. They have things they want, like skiis and snowboards (usually second hand), and they get to participate in the sports they like, but that is mostly because I feel that fitness is important, not because we are competitive.

But the mood swings, the attitude, the defiance, the challanges...they are constant, and they are so draining. When I am at work, I have to call home and make sure they are doing their chores. The rules set down one day don't matter the next, unless we remind them of them. You ask them to do something, they argue about it, until one of us has to put our foot down, and then we are "jerks." Yesterday, my son told my husband to fuck off when he was trying to get him to do something.

Finding appropriate consequences for such unacceptable behavior is also difficult, when they don't really have that much to take away. They have all lost their computer priveleges for the week, but the 2 oldest have to use the computer to do homework, and they are constantly sneaking on the internet. I suppose I could delete their facebook accounts, but I don't even have their passwords to do it. Plus, I feel that that goes beyond what is called for, and will lead to sneakiness that I don't want to have. They will start another account, only this time I won't be able to see it, or know about it. Not something I want to happen.

It is a constant challenge, trying to find and maintain the balance between molding their behaviors and having appropriate consequences for their transgressions, and allowing them to grow as individuals, encourage their expression of their SELVES, and to respect that they DO need some space, and DO need to defy us, to a certain extent.

And I have yet to find a blog that addresses this. All of the blogs I read are mainly parents of little ones. They don't address these issues.

Parenting. It's not for sissies.

Time for a Change

I've been working as a choir director and organist of a local church for several years. I really enjoy the people in the congregation, directing the choirs, playing and hearing the music. What makes me feel the most successful is when I can get the choir to sing in a way that is expressive, when I demand something of them, and they actually do it. It is an incredible feeling, and even better is seeing the look on their faces when THEY see that they did it.

My issues with this job are twofold: 1) I don't subscribe to the tenets of the church and 2) I have difficulty working with the minister. These are 2 very big things. I have dealt with #1 for quite some time, and it probably wouldn't seem like such a problem if #2 weren't so bad.

I gave my notice about a month ago. My last day will be the Christmas Eve service. I feel great, knowing that my life is going to become less complicated, by virtue of the fact that I will no longer be working every Sunday and 2 evenings a week, but also very conflicted, because I know that the work brings me a great sense of accomplishment.

I have to write a departure letter to the congregation. I have written it in my head many times. But I can't seem to get it to paper, because I am so conflicted. In all honesty, I am really leaving because of the minister's lack of organization and his poor communication skills. I can't say that in my letter, I can't give them the real reason for my leaving. So instead, they all think that I am leaving because my life is too complicated (because that is what the minister told them).

Ah, it is complicated, isn't it?

I'm So Not Ready for This

Yesterday, my 13 year old son celebrated his birthday with 15 of his friends, including the girl he is "going out" with. When I asked him what that meant, he shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't know.
I met her for the first time yesterday. She's cute, sweet. It was all good. Until I saw him with his arm around her waist last night. And again today, at the football game. I am not ready for this.
I never really had issues when the kids reached milestones....first teeth, walking, pooping on the potty, going to kindergarten, even going to high school. But this...this seems different. Like we are heading somewhere really fast before we are ready.
I know that they could break up tomorrow....that is typical for this age. But I also know how things progress, what it feels like to be young, and feel that excitement when someone touches you, and how hard it is to stop something once it gets started....I'm not saying I think they'll be having sex next week. Its just that, seeing him yesterday, beginning to become a young man, well, its really happening. He really is going to leave me some day.

Well I've already missed a day in November, but I wasn't truly trying to do the daily posting thing. Mostly, I just wanted an excuse to start a blog again.

13 years ago today, I gave birth to my middle child, my first son. Tonight, 18 12-13 year olds will play Laser Tag for an hour or so, then come back to our small house for pizza and whatever it is 18 12-13 olds do. I feel sorry for our neighbors!

My son is a beautiful child. Beautiful to look at, and beautiful to be around. He has gotten moody lately, which is age appropriate, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with. 2 nights ago, he asked a girl to "go out" with him. I asked him what that meant, he shrugged his shoulders.

This year he entered a new school, one that everyone else had already been in for a whole year. He transitioned beautifully. In fact, I don't even know that there WAS a transition. He just slid right in, made tons of friends, and is doing very well academically as well. I am very proud of him.

So I must go, prepare the "healthy" food that these kids eat, maybe have a drink, and watch my son enjoy his birthday.

This is the part where i have a life

Tonight I head off to a local nursing home to play a concert. This nursing home is great, last year when the band played, they put up signs, had the dining room packed full of residents, and they really enjoyed the music. It was terrific.
So I will pack up the drums, the music, and head off to Hadley, where about 30 members of the Community Band I direct will set up and play, for free, for the love of music and to make these 80 or so residents feel appreciated and remembered. I love it.

Til I Can Breathe Again

I think that was the name of a song that was popular when I was in....high school? college? first married?

I voted this morning at 7:15 a.m. Then I went to work. At work, I spent my day split between working, commanding (is that the word?)...overseeing the kids at home (2 were off school due to the elections) and planning.
Chiropractor appointment to deal with a 4 week long low back problem that won't go away.
Then my 14 year old daughter had planned a dinner party.
Eggplant parmesan
Chicken parmesan
cesar salad
roasted brussel sprouts
key lime pie
rice krispie treats.

So I got home from work, commanding, trying to take care of myself, and began "supervising" the prep of a meal for 12.

It was a hit.

Lots of wine, lots of good food (thanks anna!), lots of good friends.

More proof that what matters can't be measure in $$$$.

Of to watch the election results with my oldest, for her homework assignment. I won't truly relax until i know the results of the election. Will that be tomorrow? in 24 days? Who knows????

Life is so different from when we had little kids. But i love it.

Cranky

Mid-June I realized that my feelings of being "on edge" and general irritability, especially towards the kids, were not normal. I started on an SSRI, and within days, felt much better. I had a few side effects that were intolerable, one that I thought was tolerable. I tried another SSRI, the intolerable side effects went away, but the other one did not. Then, that one didn't seem tolerable any more. So I weaned myself off the SSRI and in conjunction started a new medication.
The side effect finally went away last week, after my taper was done.

But, I am now more irritable and edgy than I have felt in a while. I don't know what to do about it.
I cannot go back on the SSRI, this I know. So I need to find something else to take the edge off.

It is a big bummer.

Home again Home again

Back from our amazing 29 hours away (but who is counting?).
Picked up the house first, so we wouldn't come home to a disaster, then lunch together, on the road by 1:30. Arrived at the Inn in VT, checked in, had some alone time, then went exploring. Back to the Inn after picking up some cheese and crackers and magazines and raspberries, popped the champagne while he lit the fire....it was amazing. We talked, laughed, relaxed...
Then dinner.
Another fire.
Slept in.
Today we went hiking, did some picking at an antiques mall, had lunch in another beautiful town, contemplated the effects of moving on our kids, then drove home.
I immediately had to go to a rehearsal, but I am back now, the house is still clean. My dog is so happy to have me at home.
I wish we could do this once a month

Day 1

Here goes, trying NaBloPoMo.
Today, I go off with my husband, alone, no kids, no dog, for a whole 24 hours!
Headed to a romantic inn in VT.