Yikes, it has been a long time.

So many times I have wanted to sit down and write, but timing, topic, energy all got the best of me.

I am doing okay. When I forget my meds 2 days in a row, it is bad. So I try not to forget. But I do. One day is okay. 2 is definitely not.

There are things I want to write about but I don't know if I should.

Someone surprised me and let me down in such a big way. They actually didn't let me down, they judged someone I love. But it has affected the way I feel about this person, and makes me not want to engage with this person. Is that right?

I see my 20's as a time of getting the kinks out. Having the babies, being absorbed in my school, my husband, my life.

My 30's, pretty good. Aside from some scary moments, and lots of deaths of loved ones, I see it as a time spent figuring out what matters to me, who matters to me.

My 40's, well. I would never presume to have it all figured out, but I really feel that I know who I am, what I stand for. In that same vein, I am putting relationships in categories. Those I want to invest in, those that I have to maintain because of familial ties, or other obligations, and those that I could happily say bye-bye to. Why do I want to waste time on a relationship that is not energizing, or positive? That is not to say that I only want to be in a relationship that "works" for me. Its not about getting. Its about feeling good being in that relationship, whether I am giving or receiving, whether things are in neutral or if they are speeding right along.

Yet, yet. There are some relationships that you have to maintain. So, what amount do you invest? What do you give of yourself? Why waste your time????

This isn't to say this has saddened me. Actually, it is quite interesting to think about, and sort out. It used to be stressful. This time, it is just...interesting. I am learning to enjoy the journey. Take in the views along the way. Learn something from the landscape. And take part of it with me for the future.

Things have been better lately, but the past week hasn't been so good.
I have been taking my medication very regularly, for 2 weeks, and that seemed to help, but not enough. Yesterday I missed my dose entirely and last night I was extremely irritable. Can that be? Does it have such a short half life that it could have that effect with just one missed dose? I know with SSRIs that is not the case, but perhaps with this it is.
I am irritable. Moody. Impatient. Disheartened. Overwhelmed. Not hopeless. But definitely not upbeat.
I am really enjoying NOT working evenings, but working 5 days straight in an office is kicking my ass. Maybe its just that I am tired from an additionally busy week with sub-ing for my sister. But today I am wiped out.

A Real Post

Now that I am a full month into my taking leave of the church job, I am realizing how consuming that job really was. Yesterday, I started a project of cleaning an area of the house that has desperately needed to be organized for about a year, maybe longer. I knew it was going to be a big project, so couldn't ever really start it, because I am always running out of time.
So I started this project around 2:30, took a break to go ice skating, then came back and finished it up. It looks amazing. And it is free of clutter, most importantly.

These things seem so small, but, really, it was something I just couldn't tackle before. The only day I could ever think about doing something like this was Saturdays, which meant I would be giving up my one day of no work. To have that freedom, to not have to rush out in the evening, to have 2 days off together on the weekends....it just feels so normal, so freeing. I don't think I will ever go back to a church job again.

Rest of last night was good. Was very productive during the day, took Theo ice skating, cleaned command central, a project that needed doing for about a year. Didn't get around to making dinner til about 7:30, but it was good. The boys were behaving, Seb helped me with dinner. Asparagus and cream sauce over fettucini.
This morning another burst of rage over nothing...
Now I am a bit better after going to the local cafe and treating myself to a scone and tea.
Irritated that I am not getting to the gym, and neither is anna.

last night very irritable. had a good afternoon with theo but when i got home was on edge. I just couldn't deal with the mess, the activity, the bickering of the kids. Took a bath then felt sick to my stomach so went to bed. Up with theo around 2:15, he had an upset stomach, I dealt with that okay.
I feel like I really should go back on the med. I didn't think it was working, but I think it helped somewhat.
I also think I should stop drinking each day. It seems that after I have some wine my tolerance is much less.

Yesterday, less agitated. got myself to yoga but was not able to relax, mind kept racing. Unmotivated at home, did make up some dinner. Kids were all gone so house was quiet, when they got home i just stayed on the couch. Not knitting. Drank some wine, talked to a few friends.

Today very irritable when coming to work due to heater not working in car. Settled down once at work.

tracking moods for a couple of weeks:

Stopped Welbutrin 4 days ago (forgot it for 2 days, so decided to just stop it because I felt it wasn't helping anyway)

Yesterday: pretty short fuse, ill tempered with kids, impatient. Also worried because of issue with right breast

Today: apathetic. Eating constantly. Irritable first thing this morning with kids, husband, way clothes fit. Feeling a bit hopeless. Worried still about breast, no md office open to have it checked. Though less worried about the breast than I am about my mental state

What was that I was just saying?

Today I am feeling an almost overwhelming sense of anxiety. I am not sure where it is coming from, nor do I know why it seems so acute right now. Things are going fine, mostly. But damn there is this nagging, pit in my stomach, heart racing feeling that just won't go away.
Some things that are spinning in my head:

Unresolved discussion with my husband last week that definitely needs to continue but that I am certain he doesn't want to continue

My car...oh my car.

My feet are frozen from driving in my car this morning

My son's ride forgot him this morning, which meant I had to take him to school, which means I was an hour late for work

My family got me a nano for my birthday, which I love, but which I don't really need so I feel guilty about having it

My daughter is not a very attentive student and I don't know how to make her care more without upsetting her

I think my son really needs....something. Meds? therapy? new parents? to address his inability to focus

I have to return an email to someone that I really don't want to

Both bands are starting back up this week and I am having anticipatory anxiety, even though once I get there it is fun and I am fine.

Stupid stupid things.

Nothing is really WRONG.

So why the pounding heart?

A long while

So its been a while.
Lots has happened, and, at the same time, nothing has happened.
New years was uneventful, which is just fine for me. We went to the movies with our youngest and i think i was in my pjs by 9:00.

Since then, it has been work, work, work, which is fine with me, and a few non-exciting things.

My son almost caught on fire while sleeping when his comforter came into contact with a nightlight that should not have been there. The result, a huge black hole in the comforter, a stinky house, and me up for 3 hours thinking about what could have been.

My marriage reached a very scary low point and is now hopefully in the early stages of re-acquaintance, repair and rejuvenation.

My birthday is tomorrow. So is my daughter's. This is a great thing, to share my birthday with my most favorite female in the world. But my birthday always makes me think about my father, who would send cards signed with no more than a "love, dad", but who I really miss, 15 years out from his death; and my mother, who is alive and healthy and has no idea what day it is, never mind that it is my birthday. I really miss her, too.

I have gotten several cards from people from the church where I worked, which is very sweet. And a couple of emails from siblings.

Tomorrow will just be another day, but a Sunday that I don't have to work.

The snow is coming down slowly and steadily. My family is healthy, my daughter is making me stay out of the other room as she wraps my presents (thank goodness for her!). And I just spent a lovely evening with some of my favorite people.

Life is good.

42 isn't so bad.

Melancholy

My mother is 78 years old and has alzheimer's. She is living in an assisted living facility near where I grew up. I am told that this is the best place for her, that she is happy there. But I have a hard time accepting that.
I know dementia's effects well enough to know that you cannot gauge the victim's "happiness." I don't really think happy is a word you can even use with it. Generally, even if they are pleasantly confused, they are still confused, and still don't know what is going on around them, and are distressed by it.
My mother, who was always somewhat moody and judgmental, is now even moreso. But I can't help but think that we have done her a terrible disservice, by placing her. She spent her entire adult life raising children. When the children were grown, she still saw at least one of them on a daily basis. She has been surrounded by family all of her life. And now, for one year, she has been seen only occasionally by them. I think it is sad. And I am ashamed that this is the way we are treating her disease.
I firmly believe that, no matter where she is, she will be agitated, and unhappy, even bitchy.
I just feel so....lame.....knowing she is in a facility.

I have no control over it, so that is a bit of a consolation, but not much, really.

Expectations

Expectations are so dangerous. Usually, they come from somewhere within, with a questionable motive. Generally, the higher the expectation, the bigger the disappointment.

Tonight I am feeling disappointment, and I can't quite put my finger on what is driving it.

Is it because my expectations were too high, or is it because my friends let me down?

I guess a little of both.

It feels really yucky inside.

But I am home now, in front of my tree, the kids are in the living room (watching tv,ugh), my house is warm, the snow and the candles outside are beautiful, and tomorrow will bring another snow storm...a day to be at home, snuggle in and be with family.

Sometimes, I need to remind myself that these are the things that matter.

Ting Ting Ting

Wednesday, as I was digging around in my cabinet, I came across a plastic baggie of Swedish Candle Chimes. I had thrown these in one of the several boxes of things I packed up at my mother's house when I was down there this summer.

I picked up the baggie, went into the kitchen, opened it, and spilled it's contents out onto the counter. With that simple gesture, memories of Christmases past came flooding over me.

You see, when I was younger, we always had these angel chimes. Usually 2 (there were 2 sets in the bag, but one of them was incomplete). Every night we would light them at dinner time, and listen to the ting ting ting sound they made, until someone couldn't stand it anymore and we blew the candles out.

Once my father moved out, and my mother remarried, and most of the kids moved on, the angel chimes were put in this baggie and forgotten about. They still have the same blackened bells, the same drips of wax. Angels, ponies and clowns.

I put together the little brass carousel: first the tray with the candle holders, then the metal stick with the appendages meant to hold the bells. Next, trying to figure out just how the angels attached, but we did it. 3 angels with trumpets, hanging from the 3 armed metal plate, and, finally, the top of the carousel (we are missing the part that holds the angel on top). I dug out the red candles, made in Sweden. I lit the candles with my youngest son and he was mesmerized. We listened to their gentle ringing throughout dinner.

Last night, he begged to light the candles for me. So I let him. Nostalgia washed over me. We cleaned off the kitchen table, took a picture, and I sent the picture out to all of my siblings, with the subject line "christmas."

I have gotten 2 responses so far. The first, my sister wrote "ting, ting ting." The second, another sister wrote "ting, ting, ting"!!! That same sister then sent another email, telling me that she was crying looking at that picture, remembering those days, and wondering if anyone else in the family had that same reaction.

Well, of course, I said. That's why I sent the picture.

Ting, Ting, Ting.

I made it through the week, intact, but barely. Saturday's cantata went very well, the audience seemed to enjoy it, the choir sounded pretty good, and I think they were happy with it as well. Sunday's band concert went....okay. The first half was pretty good. The second half started off badly, and seemed to be wrought with mistakes throughout. It was very frustrating to hear the same mistakes we have been working on for 4 weeks now. This is what happens in an amateur, volunteer group, but I have to remind myself of that so I don't get too discouraged.

This week:
Need to do some Christmas shopping
Get the tree up
Finish the basement...it may end my marriage, but it's got to be done!

Bullets - random thoughts

• Since Saturday, I have had: 7 rehearsals, 2 performances, and will have 3 more rehearsals and 3 more performances by Sunday night. The idea of this makes me stressed, but actually playing/conducting/performing that much makes me well
  
• Cantata practice yesterday went very well. Good practice = bad performance. Fortunately, we have another practice on Saturday to screw up before Saturday night's performance!
• Band practice on Wednesday night went pretty well. Not great. So, that means that Sunday's concert will be good!
• I am sick of picking up after people and tired of teenagers not obeying my rules
• I just got my unexpected Christmas bonus. I am thinking of splurging on a Mac Book (it won't pay for the whole thing, but a good part of it!)
• My meds are clearly not working. Appointment today to address it (see bullet #4)
• I've also put in 29 hours at one job and 8 hours at the other this week
  
• Maybe there is a god, because we were supposed to have sleet all day yesterday, which would have meant cancelling rehearsal last night, but it didn't start until late
  
• I wish my husband would spend less time on facebook and more time putting our basement back in order
• I worked things out with my friend
• I am having a dear friend over tonight with her young kids to decorate gingerbread houses. That is something to get me through today!

Gig tonight

Am looking forward to our last gig of the year tonight, big crowd is promised. It is always a blast. After, we all come back to my house for breakfast, to decompress and rehash the gig. I have found such a great group of people in this band. It's like a bunch of extra brothers.
After tonight, life will spiral out of control for a week. 5 rehearsals, 4 performances (not with the band that is playing tonight). I can't wait until it is over. How bad is that? Instead of savoring every minute, I am looking forward to the end.

That was easy

Back to work after a great weekend. Saturday, dinner with friends. Sunday, the boys went boarding with same friends, I went to work at church, then shopping with my oldest (which I usually HATE but it wasn't so bad yesterday), then I got to cancel rehearsal last evening because of black ice on the roads. It was a nice bonus...sewed together the shoulder seams, set in the sleeves and sewed up one side of a sweater I have been working on (I really don't enjoy sewing up...).

All in all, a great holiday.

I read so many blogs in which people hate this holiday. I have to say, it is my favorite. We get together with people we love, purely for the reason of being together and sharing a meal, our lives. There is no other agenda. I am so lucky.

The Thanksgiving feast, was, as always, fantastic. It actually isn't so much about the feast as it is about being with people who make me feel like I am H-O-M-E. Cousins played hide and seek in the huge house, dogs played wildly together, in between begging for scraps from the counter and tables, adults who have been celebrating this holiday on and off together for 25 years catching up...it was all just lovely, and relaxing, and, well, home.

Fast forward to today, when I arrived home with the kids (my husband was off buying a soapstone sink for our kitchen)...fighting, complaining, hitting, screaming. I know they are tired. I know that is what makes them behave this way. But I really can't stand it. They act like children I cannot stand. They act like spoiled, rotten, ungrateul brats. But they aren't. They are just tired. But, so am I. So the oldest and the youngest are spending the next 45 minutes in their respective rooms. It started out as a 1/2 hour, but they both screwed up, so it is now 45. My daugther things I am being ridiculous. And maybe I am. Fighting is normal amongst siblings. But I am in no mood to tolerate it today. I want to continue to be thankful for what I have, to carry with me the feeling of peace and loveliness I had all day yesterday, to not have that feeling disturbed by screaming and fighting and general ugliness.

I have a right to that, more of a right to that than my children have a right to fight. For today, at least. Maybe they will get the message and respect our right to live peacefully in this house...

Grateful

Lots of things have been going on, none of them particularly exciting (well, to anyone but me).
Saturday night the band I am in did a gig at a fundraiser for a 13 year old friend of my daughter, who has lymphoma. The party was great, the crowd loved our music and danced like crazy, and over $12,000 was raised for the family. Awesome.

Sunday I worked at church, it was my first time back since the issue with the former member of the handbell choir. It was awkward, tense, and logistically difficult, because we are now down 3 players. But the choir persevered, muddled through, and we are on for next week and Christmas Eve service.

This has made me realize how glad I am that I am almost finished with the job. I had felt ambivalent about leaving, but this last example, as well as a few other minor annoying things that have happened, just reinforces to me that I have made the right decision. These next 4 weeks will be hard, I am sure, but for different reasons than I had initially thought. I have so much to do with the job before I am finished, and my real desire is just to get the hell out of there. I have to be sure that no one senses that I am biding my time...which shouldn't be too hard, considering I have all of the Advent music to deal with, a Christmas Cantata on the 13th, plus the Christmas Eve service.

Today I pack up and head to my cousins house, about 1 1/2 hours away, where I will help prepare the Thanksgiving Feast. This is a tradition that started when my aunt died 10 years ago...i had a very special relationship with my uncle, and after auntie died I offered to come help him prepare the meal. He took me up on it, and I did that several times with him. it was incredibly meaningful and I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to do this with him. He died 4 years ago next week, and I have been helping his son's wife do the same (they have moved into the house). It is nice, I get a break from the kids (though my eldest is coming with me this year), we'll have an easy dinner tonight and then get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to get cooking.

Speaking of which, yesterday, after working 9 hours, I got home, made supper, went to a rehearsal for choir, went grocery shopping, came home and: 1) made potato leek soup to take today 2) made a blueberry pie for tomorrow 3) made borscht and 4) organized the winter share of vegetables I picked up on Monday (50 lbs!). I was in bed by 2 a.m. I felt like superwoman!

So I am off to work a bit more, then heading to the family homestead for a lovely few days. I have lots to write about, but have to organize my thoughts a bit more before hand...

Happy Thanksgiving!
P

And you call that christian?

I don't believe in god. I don't believe that Jesus Christ is the savior. I work for a church, for 5 more weeks, because I love music, and what I can do with the services with the music I bring to it. This has been pretty tough to reconcile in the 9 years I have worked there. And, I couldn't do it. So, for many reasons, but that one included, I am leaving.
Last night, I had just about the worst experience I have ever had during a rehearsal. A member of the Handbell choir got mad because there was a group (a jewish group, who rents from the church, and pays quite a bit of money in rent, and of whom I have been a strong supporter) in our rehearsal area who was not scheduled to be there. Because they were there, our rehearsal had to start late by about 5 minutes. This woman, who has a history of being difficult and spouting off, became angry, caused a scene, and stormed out of rehearsal. That left me having to play her bells, my bells, and conducting the rest of the group, which is already short handed. It was really a pain.

I decided to call her after rehearsal to let her know that her behavior was unacceptable, embarrassing, represented the church in a bad light, and leaving rehearsal let her fellow choir members down. Well, she lit into me, and needless to say, the conversation was ended abruptly by her hanging up on me when I told her the conversation was over.

Today, she sent an email out to the choir, outlining all of her reasons for her behavior last night, and then quitting. Everything in that email that she said was an attack on me. It was horrible. Nothing about it was productive, or useful, or even worth talking about. It was the most disrespectful, rude and insulting thing I have ever heard or read about me.

I wish I could ignore it, and chalk it up for what it is: ranting coming from an insecure, angry person, but the bottom line is, she has been getting away with this kind of behavior for 3 years in the church, and noone has bothered to stop it. Noone has told her she can't act like that. So, now, with 5 weeks to go, I am left with a choir that is void of critical numbers, I've been attacked, and I am angry that, because of the minister's and board's inactions in the past, I am now the subject of her vindictiveness. It really sucks.

6 more services to go....

9 year old funny

Last night at dinner, I outlawed the phrase "what the heck." The kids use that phrase in the context of criticizing each other. It always leads to fights.

My 9 year old started saying "what the hey." I told him that had to stop as well. He asked why. I told him it was because I was tired of the stupid speak in the family and I wanted us to start having intelligent conversations.

He stood up, put his hand on his chest, and said in a deep voice: "E equals M C squared."

We cracked up.

He is a pain, but he is a riot.